The perceived conditionality of love

Continuing on the previous post about Helena's pathetic state, something struck me today - that the two women in Midsummer Night's Dream seem to perceive love as being conditional on how they look.

It is made known to us repeatedly that Helena and Hermia are fair maidens - or to put it in modern parlance, "hot stuff". In fact, they are both "hot stuff" - in different ways, but nonetheless, "through Athens [Helena is] thought as fair as [Hermia]."

Now, in modern times we scoff at the idea that beauty or looks play a part in love - how shallow! we decry the lustful Lotharios who prey on the nubile. Unfortunately, many people fail to realise or choose to ignore the fact that yes... Man is that shallow. Rare are the stories I've heard about a couple staying together after a horrific, scarifying accident befalling one half of the pair.

Emotional damage aside, physical disfigurement or even mere looks are the driving factor in a lot of relationships - take for example, the case for affairs - more often than not (I don't dispute that there are love affairs that are genuinely born out of an emotional fondness for the other party rather that his/her looks) people have affairs with attractive third parties.

Therein lies the perceived conditionality of love. Knowing these facts innately, how can we be blamed for thinking that our looks play a part in how much or even whether our partner loves us?

But I digress from Shakespeare. Helena and Hermia share this belief - it is more than apparent:

HELENA:
Call you me fair? that fair again unsay.
Demetrius loves your fair: O happy fair!



Helena goes on to wish that she could learn how to look like Hermia so that she can win Demetrius's heart. She seems to believe that it is Hermia's looks that have won Demetrius's love.

Similarly, when Hermia "loses" Lysander's love, her first response is telling of how much she believes love is conditional on looks.

HERMIA:
What, can you do me greater harm than hate?
Hate me! wherefore? O me! what news, my love!
Am not I Hermia? are not you Lysander?
I am as fair now as I was erewhile.



Hermia then accuses Helena of seducing Lysander away through the use of her height. Throughout the play, references to looks are made with respect to love. Still, this is only to be expected in the course of courtship - of all attractive qualities, physical appearance is paid the highest homage. When one is in love, one praises loved one's looks.

Which makes sense - because "Oh, how I love thee, thy superior intellect draws me to you!" doesn't sound as romantic as comparing her skin to soft silk and her lips to kissable cherries.

Nonetheless, perceived conditionality of love persists and people believe that they must be good-looking to be loved (Though this is something that perhaps afflicts women more so than men). Have we not been guilty of looking at someone homely and wondering "how on EARTH did he/she end up with that hot/powerful/mesmerizing celebrity/superstar?"

What of it though? I'm not saying that one should not care about one's looks just to break this trend - it is a pervasive truth and believing that love is unconditional will do more harm than good because others do not believe the same as you. Even if they did, it does not promise that they will be able to ACT or FEEL based on this belief. Same goes for you.

Yes, unconditional love is ideal, but it is not what exists in our sad, second-rate, imperfect world. I could go on to where you can find this kind of love, but this is not the place to proselytize. We make do with our shoddy version of love and try means and ways to elevate it (at least in the eyes of others; only we see the rickety, makeshift facade of our own construction).

Thus, before we hasten to judge someone else for looking only with the eyes, and not the mind, let us put our hands over our hearts and pause for a while to ponder if it does not beat a little faster when someone attractive looks our way.